


Storm clouds.

by janboy



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 00:57:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21311476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janboy/pseuds/janboy
Summary: After suffering from a bloody and traumatic experience on the frontlines of the conflict between the Eorzean Alliance and Garlemald, Siderne takes some time off from the fighting. Though she quickly learns that she bears even more wounds, and those unseen wounds cut her the deepest.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4





	Storm clouds.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a loose continuation of a previous work for my Final Fantasy XIV OC, which can be read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19981066

"Hey, mama."

Thunder rumbled. Heavy clouds loomed in the air. They cast a shadow over the earth and served as both the barrier and the messenger between the people of Eorzea and the Heavens.

"I know we haven't talked in awhile... I'm sorry about that."

The clouds grinded together again. Thunder echoed, reverberations traveled through the air, and a spike of panic bolted through Siderne's limbs.

_Run. Take cover. Wait out the bombardments. Pray a shell doesn't land on you._

Siderne's heart-rate was amplified in her ears. Each beat was thunder, each passing second was one that she spent risking her life. Where could she hide? She was exposed on this roof, large buildings like this were prime targets for Magitek Artillery and thaumaturgy alike. She had to move, she had to--

A flash of light brought her thoughts to a standstill. Far off in the distance, a thin, jagged bolt of lightning illuminated the night horizon. Siderne slowed her breaths. Her hands were shaking so she hugged herself and drew her knees up close to her chest. Thunder sounded just like it, lightning too, it all sounded just like it. She closed her eyes for a few moments, taking advantage of the brief reprieve that the heavy clouds above her gave. She was here, she was in Gridania. She was sitting on the roof of the Carline Canopy. She was here.

A shaky exhale left Siderne's half-parted lips, and she reopened her eyes to look towards the sky again.

"Sorry," She whispered.

There was a ball of string in her chest, wrapped around her heart. String made for poor armor, stitches in clothing were known for tearing, opening, and then having to be restitched and closed again. Pillows and mattress could have stitches torn and their stuffing poured out onto the ground. That's how she felt. In the morning and in the day, her stitches held and that ball of string wrapped around her heart warmly, like a favorite sweater or a knitted quilt. But, most often at night, she felt her heart-- her soul, being torn apart. Fluff by fluff, feather by feather, the opening in her heart would let the warmth of her soul seep out and it would let the chill of the night flow in, all before the rising sun would stitch her heart back closed.

Other nights, like tonight, that ball of string would be pulled from all directions. Each stray strand would be gripped by phantom hands within her body (the phantoms of the dead, the beasts and people that she had killed-- that's what she told herself), then yanked until she could barely breathe, yanked until her heart felt entirely like a cold stone in her chest.

Siderne slowly pressed her palm to her sternum. She bowed her head, and her brow now rested against her knees. A trail of moisture slid down her cheek. A tear. If her eleven-year-old self saw how much she cried these past few weeks, she'd call herself a baby.

"Warriors don't cry," Siderne sniffled to herself, "Warriors don't cry."

Another drop of moisture touched her skin, but this drop was icy, it fell against the nape of her neck. That drop was followed by another, then another, then another. A low rumble of thunder reminded Siderne that she was in the presence of company, and the rainfall became steady.

"Sorry," she repeated to the sky, "I just get lost in my own head now, mama, sometimes my heart hurts so bad I wish that it could be from a smack or a punch or a cut or just..."

Siderne's tears began again, the tears flowed and joined with the rainfall that began to coat her skin, dampen her clothes, and cause strands of hair to run free from her loose ponytail and press against her skin.

"Sometimes I wish I could just be hurting from something that I could see."

Siderne looked down again, the dark, grey, stormy sky made her feel like she was staring right into her mother's eyes.

"I'm always sad, mama," Siderne's voice was softer now, it barely reached her own ears over the sound of the constant rainfall around her.

"I can laugh, I can smile, I even made a friend, mama. Her name is Kaia, she's smart like Mustafa... But, I'm always sad and I don't know why. Sometimes I shake and sometimes I panic and sometimes I can barely breathe, and my brain makes me think I'm under attack when nothing--nothing is even going on."

Siderne balled her hands into fists and she pressed them against her face. A shudder ran through her body. The first time it was from the cold, her simple shirt and pants did nothing to stop the icy-water from chilling her bones. Then the second shudder that shook her body was from Siderne's sobbing.

"Did you--" Siderne's body shook again, she unclenched her fists and pressed the heels of her palms against her forehead. Her fingers slid into her wet hair and she pulled on it.

"Did you ever feel like this, mama? Am I okay?"

The clouds above Siderne rumbled again, but this time the thunder was more distant, Siderne blinked her eyes open, and even in the moonlight she could see the clouds rolling away. Around her, the rainfall was beginning to slow down as well.

"No! No! Mama! Am I okay?!" Her voice rose, her shouts were hoarse, "Am I broken?!" She called out to the storm, those dark clouds, her mother's eyes, they did not heed her words and her company rumbled again, further now.

"I'm sorry! Mama! I'm sorry I got you killed!"

The rainfall all but ended now, save for a few, lingering drops that pattered against the roof. Siderne found herself on her knees now, her body facing towards the direction the storm looked to be traveling towards. Her hands were pressed against the wooden boarding beneath her and her fingernails scraped against them. Her breaths were uneasy now, she felt her heart constricting and she felt those strings beginning to squeeze again.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Siderne lowered her head down, the tears continued. Gods, she wished and wished that she could just dry up completely, just so she wouldn't have to cry anymore.

She lowered her face into her hands and laid down on her side. Her shaky breaths continued, her body occasionally shook with subsiding sobs, and all she muttered to herself was, "I'm sorry."


End file.
